


For Better or For Worse

by captainamergirl



Category: Another World
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 07:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8319079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainamergirl/pseuds/captainamergirl
Summary: Cass and Lila's marriage is falling apart. Do they have what it takes to stay together? Only time will tell.





	1. Chapter 1

**A – Affair**  
  
She hadn’t set out to have an affair. But seeing Cass with Anne made Lila insecure and when Lila was insecure, she lashed out at the world in any way that she could. No one came out unscathed when Lila Roberts-Winthrop was on the warpath. She just wanted Cass to feel the pain he was dealing out to her when he would run to Anne for solace every time they didn’t see eye-to-eye in their marriage. Sure, she didn’t really believe that Cass was actually sleeping with the lookalike of his oh-so-wonderful and perfect Frankie but Cass and Anne were having an emotional fling in Lila’s mind and that was enough to send her into the waiting arms of the once-again single, Matthew Cory – a man who had truly wanted her for so long. They had a little daughter together. It made sense for them to connect when nothing else in their world made sense.  
  
\--  
  
 **B – Baby**  
  
She couldn’t believe it but she was having a baby. And not just any baby – but most likely Matt’s child once again. She had slept with Cass just the night before she had “reconnected” with Matt sexually but something told her that she was not going to get a happily ever after out of this with either man. She loved Cass with all of her heart but Matt had a hold on her too through Jasmine and maybe now this new kid of hers. In her heart of hearts though she couldn’t deny that she wanted her child to belong to Cass, without any question. However when he found out there was a possibility that this child growing inside of her belly wasn’t his, he would never get over it. He would never forgive her. What could she do now but lie?  
  
\---  
  
 **C – Conceal**  
  
As her clothes got tighter and her moods more erratic, she realized she could not conceal her pregnancy for much longer. She was still trying to figure out a way to tell Cass that this baby was his when she wasn’t absolutely sure that it was. She somehow felt she couldn’t look into his beautiful brown eyes and tell him what she had done. But in the end, the choice was not up to her. Cass found her prenatal pills in her purse one day when he was looking for a mint. Likely story. She knew he had been onto her from the beginning and he had to be wondering why she had kept the truth about her pregnancy a secret for these three months.  
  
“Why wouldn’t you tell me you’re pregnant?” Cass asked, looking at her with a lamenting expression in his eyes that nearly brought her to her knees.  
  
“You and Anne –“  
  
“Anne is leaving town,” Cass said. “And you absolutely know there has never been anything between us.”  
  
“I am sorry but I didn’t know that!” Lila spat, feeling so emotion whether from her pregnancy hormones or from her genuine guilt. “I thought because she reminded you so much of your precious Frankie that –“  
  
“That I would leave you?” Cass asked. “You have to know that would never happen.”  
  
“Why because I’m your obligation? Your ‘ol ball and chain?” Lila challenged him.  
  
“No. Because I love you, Lila. You know that. I spent a lot of time with Anne, yes, but I sent her away because I realized how much it had to be hurting you… Now tell me why you tried to hide your pregnancy for so long?”  
  
Lila had intended to lie to Cass but looking into his gentle, urging eyes she knew somehow that she couldn’t do it. “Because, Cass, there’s a good chance you’re not this child’s father.”  
  
Cass literally stumbled backwards in his shock and horror. He managed to catch himself on the edge of the sofa and her hands reached out to touch him but he was shooing them away. “No, don’t, Lila. Don’t. Just … Just tell me you’re joking about this.”  
  
“Oh god that I could,” Lila moaned as tears poured from her eyes.  
  
“Well who’s the lucky guy?” Cass snapped facetiously.  
  
“It’s Matt.”  
  
“Matthew Cory.” It wasn’t a question.  
  
“Yeah,” Lila admitted. “I’m so sorry, Cass. You know I love you –“  
  
“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that after what you’ve done!” Cass thundered. “You went behind my back … You just broke my heart.” She could see him trying to remain stoic but it wasn’t working. His façade was slipping and quickly too.  
  
“Cass, I love you. I still love you so much. But you were spending more and more time with that wench Anne and –“  
  
“And it’s no excuse. You know I would never sleep with her, unless you don’t know me at all. Like I never knew you. Wait, that’s wrong. I knew who you were from the beginning. I should have listened to my instincts and stayed away from your poisonous venomous self.”  
  
“Cass!” she cried but he was already marching out of the house and away from her, where she could never hope to reach him.  
  
\---  
  
 **D – Docks**  
  
Cass ended up taking a walk on the docks at the lake, trying to rein in his emotions. He couldn’t believe, for the life of him, that his wife – the woman he loved more than anything in the whole world – had gone behind his back with the man who had stood up for them at their wedding. Sure Lila and Matthew shared a connection through their three-year-old daughter but he never would have dreamt it could come to this. Not even in his worst nightmares, would he have imagined that.  
  
A tear rolled down his cheek even as he willed himself not to care enough to cry. He was trying to shut off his feelings right now in regards to Lila but it wasn’t working. He still loved her. He still wanted her. But she had betrayed him. He wasn’t going to forgive her for this. He couldn’t even as he longed to be the father of the baby she was carrying. But she had said there was a good chance he wasn’t and that gave him every excuse in the world to divorce her.  
  
\---  
  
 **E – Even**  
  
Cass avoided all of Lila’s phone calls and even her visits during the next week. Finally he got on the phone and called her himself, only to bark at her that he wanted a paternity test done on the baby she was carrying.  
  
A week later he found himself waiting at the hospital waiting to see John Hudson about getting an amniocentesis done. He paced the waiting room anxiously. That’s when he spotted Lila and none other than Matt himself come walking in. He wanted to pounce on Matt and beat the tar out of him but resisted by sheer force of will. Instead he barked out, “What’s he doing here?”  
  
Matthew shook his head. “I’m sorry you found out about us the way you did, Cass, I really am; but this baby could easily be mine as well.”  
  
Cass shook his head and turned away as Lila tugged on his arm. “Cass, please don’t be angry.”  
  
“How can you even ask me that?” Cass asked. “You slept with him and he may have gotten you pregnant.” The thought that the baby his wife was carrying wasn’t his pained him to the max. _If only he could stop thinking of her as his wife …_  
  
“I know but we can work things out –“  
  
Matt touched Lila’s arm. “You want to work things out with Cass, Lila? Even after you turned to me more than once?”  
  
Cass shouldn’t have been surprised but he felt sucker punched just the same. “It wasn’t a one-time thing I take it.”  
  
Lila shook her head as she cupped her little belly. “No, I’m afraid not. But Cass, I still love you. Just you.” She looked at Matt as Cass refused to look at her. Her expression was pained as she whispered, “I’m sorry I put both of you through this.”


	2. Chapter 2

**F – Felicia**  
  
After what seemed like months rather than a mere six days, the paternity test results finally came in. Cass, Lila and Matthew once again gathered at the hospital and John Hudson sat them down. Cass looked at John’s sympathetic expression directed at him and he bristled. He knew. Right then he knew the truth. He didn’t even stick around long enough for the test results to be read aloud. He knew he wasn’t the father of Lila’s child and it devastated him beyond words.  
  
Lila chased after him but he ignored her pleas for him to return. He instead stepped on the elevator and rode downstairs. He was coming off the elevator when he spotted his best friend Felicia coming in the entrance. “Felicia,” he said in a hoarse voice.  
  
Felicia nodded. “You’re not –“  
  
He had told her everything and here she was to comfort him as always. “No, I’m not. That honor belongs to Matthew Cory.”  
  
Felicia sighed loudly and pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, Cass. I never thought even Lila could sink this low.”  
  
Cass nodded. “I _didn’t_ want to believe it.”  
  
\---  
  
 **G – Grievances**  
  
Felicia and Cass ended up at the Harbor Club and Cass immediately ordered a scotch. He intended to get drunk as a skunk but Felicia wouldn’t let him. With her history of alcohol abuse, he knew he couldn’t get really drunk in front of her anyway. Instead he ordered a simple meal that he ended up not being able to finish.  
  
“You still love her?” Felicia finally asked as she wiped her mouth delicately on a white cloth napkin.  
  
Cass sighed. “I don’t think it matters at this point.”  
  
“It does matter,” Felicia said. “I may not be Lila’s biggest fan by far but I haven’t seen you look at a woman the way you do her since Frankie. I would hate to see you toss all that away because you’re angry right now.”  
  
“Felicia… Don’t you think I have a right to be greatly well, pissed off?”  
  
“Pissed off, yes. Your grievances with Lila are justified and understandable considering what she’s done, but she made you happy, Cass. In a way you hadn’t been before, at least in a long time. I know she was very wrong but I don’t want you to give up on her unless you’re really sure things can’t be fixed between you.” Felicia reached out and squeezed his hand. “Go see her.”  
  
“I don’t think I can.”  
  
“Cass, you’ve never been a coward. Don’t start acting that way now. Face your fears.”  
  
Cass nodded. “Okay I’ll see her. But why can’t relationships be as wonderfully uncomplicated as they are in one of your romance novels?”  
  
“Because that’s fiction, Cass. This is reality. Cold, hard reality.”  
  
\---  
  
 **H – Humiliation**  
  
He couldn’t believe that five minutes ago he had actually been thinking about forgiving her. Well that went out the window the moment he looked into the window of their house – for it was no longer a home – and spotted her locked in a strong embrace with Matthew. He hurt so acutely. He wanted to hurt her and Matthew too but he wouldn’t stick around and humiliate himself even further. He instead got in his car and drove off, back to his penthouse at the hotel, telling himself not to look back. Lila never knew he was even there.  
  
\---  
  
 **I – Innocent**  
  
Little did Cass realize that the hug he had seen between Lila and Matt was for once, perfectly innocent. In fact, it had been a hug of comfort and even one of goodbye. Lila had been crying hysterically when Matt brought her back to her place. Matt had hugged her out of instinct and told her that he would go get Cass but she had insisted Cass didn’t want to see her. Little did she know how much he had seen – or thought he had seen.  
  
Lila hugged Matthew tightly and then let go. She was prepared to let him down as easily as she could but he already sensed it coming. “You still love Cass.”  
  
“Yeah,” Lila admitted. “I always have. I want to make things work with him. I have to try anyway though I doubt he will give me an inch. I love you, Matthew, as a _friend.”_  
  
Matthew nodded. “I know. I am sorry that I took advantage of you –“  
  
She shook her head. “I actually took advantage of you,” Lila said sadly. “I wanted to hurt Cass the way he had me with his always spending time with that insipid Anne but I knew I loved him. That I always will. So I’m sorry I dragged you into this and now you’re stuck with another kid of mine.”  
  
“I don’t feel stuck. I love you, Lila. But our timing just always really sucks.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “But I accept your decision. I know if Cass really loves you the way he professed to, he’ll forgive you in time.”  
  
“I hope so,” Lila murmured. “I really hope so.”


	3. Chapter 3

**J – Justice**  
  
Lila sat alone on her sofa long after Matthew had gone, mourning the sad state of her life. She was completely alone and perhaps that was karmic justice for all she had done. No, it just was. She deserved to be alone but dammit, she didn’t like it. Not at all. She loved Cass so much but she just knew that he would never forgive her for what she had done. She couldn’t exactly blame him but damn did she miss him – his gentle touch, his casual humor, his wonderful smile…  
  
She was a strong woman but she knew she couldn’t do this all alone. Matthew would be by her side for their child’s sake and she appreciated it but the only man she wanted near was the man she had callously tossed aside, the one she had driven away. Cass. Dear Cass…  
  
\---  
  
 **K – Kid**  
  
“Hold on, kid, this might be a bumpy ride,” Lila said, rubbing her ever-growing tummy as she approached the door of Cass’s law office. She knew there was a good chance he would turn her away – or try to – but she wanted to say her piece.  
  
She walked into the office, past his annoying secretary who tried to scramble up to stop her, but Lila just pressed on. She approached his office just as the door opened and none other than Felicia Gallant came walking out. Lila immediately stiffened. She didn’t like Felicia, didn’t understand the connection she had to Cass, and she sensed the feeling was incredibly mutual.  
  
“Felicia,” Lila said coolly. “Can you please step aside so that I can see my husband?”  
  
Felicia shook her head. “You make it so hard to be nice to you.”  
  
“As if you’ve ever tried to be,” Lila said with a toss of her raven locks.  
  
“There’s a good reason I haven’t,” Felicia tossed off. “If I didn’t think Cass loved you, I would scratch your eyes out for what you’ve done to him.”  
  
“Go ahead and try,” Lila spat and thought about slapping the indignant, self-righteous look off Felicia’s face but just as she raised her hand to do so, Cass intercepted them. He had been on the phone and quickly slammed it down when he saw the fight brewing in the hallway.  
  
“Dammit, Lila,” he barked. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Putting this bitter old witch in her place,” Lila returned acidly.  
  
“No need, I was just leaving,” Felicia said and offered Cass a smile before sauntering away.  
  
“Oh I hate that ‘ol biddy,” Lila snapped.  
  
“You shouldn’t have gone after her like that, Lila,” Cass chastised her as if she were a naughty child. She resented it.  
  
“And you had no right telling her what happened with Matthew, airing our dirty laundry –“  
  
“She’s my friend, Lila!”  
  
“Who used to be much more!”  
  
“Why is that every woman in my life is a threat to you?”  
  
“They aren’t.”  
  
“Oh just Felicia and Anne then.”  
  
“Don’t say their names,” Lila snapped. “I don’t want to even think about them. Ever again.”  
  
“Anne’s gone but Felicia’s here to stay.”  
  
“Oh joy. You want me to stay away from Matthew but you can’t do the same with Felicia.”  
  
“I haven’t slept with Felicia in decades,” Cass said even but his eyes were flashing. His point had been driven home.  
  
“Cass, you are never going to forgive me are you? You’re never going to let this go or stop lookin’ at me like I’m a pariah. I came to make peace with you and all you can do is throw my faults up in my face. You knew I wasn’t perfect. If you were expecting perfection –“  
  
“I didn’t want perfection, Lila. But what you did is beyond my comprehension or forgiveness.”  
  
“So that’s it. You will never understand, you will never forgive. I’m nothing but trash in your eyes. Fine, Cass, just fine!” Lila bellowed and started to turn and march out of the office. She only made it halfway down the hall when terrible cramps ripped through her body, rendering her practically unable to walk. Soon enough, blackness was swimming up before her eyes and right before she passed out, she heard Cass whisper in fear, “Lila?! Agnes, call an ambulance!”  
  
\---  
  
 **L – Lose**  
  
Cass rode with Lila in the hospital, who was coming in and out of consciousness. The paramedic made a note that she was bleeding badly and all Cass could do was sit there holding her hand, willing her to be okay. Willing her baby to be okay. If they didn’t make it … _Lord, god, let them make it,_ he whispered a silent prayer in his mind.  
  
They arrived at the hospital after what seemed like hours. John Hudson was waiting at the entrance with three nurses who quickly sprang into action, wheeling Lila into an exam room.  
  
Cass took to pacing before he remembered that he needed to call Matthew. As much as he despised the other man, Matthew was the baby’s true father and had a right to know what was going on.  
  
Cass hurried to the bank of pay phones along the back wall and called Matthew. He only said “Lila’s in the hospital. It’s serious” before he could hear Matthew grab his car keys, jangling them as headed out the door.  
  
Cass went back to pacing and when Matthew showed up, he had to try to explain what happened. “So you fought with Lila? You fought with a pregnant woman?” Matthew demanded. Cass could only nod in shame. He wasn’t expecting the punch Matthew delivered to his cheek. He reared back, barely catching himself on a gurney to avoid falling to the floor.  
  
He came back swinging himself. Suddenly the lover was turning into a fighter and he wanted to hurt Matthew. He took a swing at Matthew but was yanked off by none other than John Hudson and a male orderly.  
  
“You two get ahold of yourselves,” John chastised them. “Lila doesn’t need this right now. She is going to need both of you to get through this.”  
  
Cass instantly straightened up. “What do you mean? Is she …”  
  
“She lost the baby,” John said. “And she’s bleeding heavily. We don’t know if we can stop it just yet. She’s going to need you both to fight for her. Not fight each other.”  
  
Matthew let out a little startled, hurt cry and sunk down into a chair while Cass asked John, “What can we do, John? I – we, can’t lose her too.”  
  
\--  
  
 **M – Miscarriage**  
  
“What can you two do?” John echoed. “You can both stop fighting each other for one minute, and really think about what Lila needs. Hell, maybe you can even say a prayer.”  
  
John then turned on his heel and headed back for the room where Lila was. As the weight of what had occurred that day finally sunk in, Cass’s knees gave way and he sagged against the cheap plastic of the nearest chair. It was the only thing holding him together. He felt angry, he felt sad, and most of all he felt incredibly guilty. If he hadn’t engaged Lila in a battle of words, she wouldn’t be here. He realized he still loved her but it was too late to take back the words he had said to her. She would likely never forgive him for this; she would certainly blame him and he would deserve it. She had been pushed to the limits by the one person who had always sworn they would be there for her. Cass had let Lila down in the worst way.  
  
Matthew muttered something about going to call his family and then he was gone, leaving Cass to his gut-wrenching remorse.  
  
Sometime later, Matthew returned, right in time to meet up with John. John looked at both men though Cass couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “We stopped the bleeding. She’s very weak but she’s asking for you, Cass.”  
  
“She wants him – after what he did?” Matthew demanded. “The baby we lost was mine and Lila’s… we should be grieving together.”  
  
“That very well may be but I have to honor my patient’s wishes and she wants to see Cass.”  
  
“I don’t think I can –“ Cass started.  
  
“Don’t think, Cass, just be there for your wife. At the end of the day, she’s still your wife and needs you.”  
  
“Does she know about the miscarriage yet?” Cass asked.  
  
“I tried to explain everything but in her fatigue, I am not sure she quite grasps it. I need you to be strong, Cass, and be there for her. I need you not to play the blame game right now either. If she asks you to grieve with her, you do it. Doctor’s orders,” John said gruffly and then he turned and walked off.  
  
“Well are you going to Lila or not?” Matthew asked.  
  
“Yes,” Cass said though it took monumental strength just to pull himself out of the chair. He forced himself up though and walked towards what he was sure was the guillotine. And he would deserve it too.  
  
He moved into Lila’s room and noticed her eyes were closed. For a moment she looked very peaceful and he hated to disturb her. He considered backing out of the room but he resisted. Instead he walked over to her bedside and took her hand gently in his. “Lila,” he said in a hoarse voice. “Lila, you wanted to see me?”  
  
Lila’s eyes fluttered open and she looked at Cass. “Cass, you came.”  
  
“Yes of course. I couldn’t stay away. Especially after what happened tonight.”  
  
“Oh the fight we had. Felicia and me.”  
  
“And the fight we had, you and me.”  
  
“I vaguely remember it. I just feel so tired, Cass, so tired. John tried telling me about the baby but I just didn’t want to listen. I just wanted to look into my dear Cass’s eyes … I just knew you would make everything better.”  
  
Cass’s eyes moistened with new tears as he looked into Lila’s hopeful brown eyes. “I can’t make this better.”  
  
“You can. Just say you forgive me.”  
  
“You won’t be able to forgive me for what I’ve done,” Cass said as a single tear trickled down his face.  
  
“What are you talking about, Cass?”  
  
“You really don’t know, Lila?” Cass sighed and dropped to his knees, squeezing Lila’s hand as tightly as he dared. “You had a miscarriage. We were fighting, Lila. You and me. We shared some very harsh words and then you doubled over and –“  
  
“No!” Lila interrupted him with a loud howl. “No, Cass, no. No! The baby… they are fine.” She reached out and pressed her stomach and that’s when she must have realized it. “Ohmigod, Cass. Cass, my baby! They’re really gone, aren’t they?”  
  
\---  
  
 **N – Nightmare**  
  
Cass reached for Lila’s hand but she pulled away, touching her stomach, grasping it really tightly actually as tears worked down her face. “My baby, my sweet baby,” she cried. “I can’t believe this is happening.”  
  
Seeing Lila’s anguish, tears sparked in Cass’s own eyes. “I am sorry, Lila. I am so sorry. I didn’t want this. Not at all.”  
  
Lila fixed him with a penetrating stare. “Are you sure about that, Cass? I mean you hated the fact that Matthew 'knocked me up'. You absolutely hated it. I know you did because every time I looked into your eyes there was hostility and anger there.”  
  
Cass shook his head. “Alright, yes, I hated how the baby came to be but you know me, Lila, you have to know that I could never wish a child dead. Especially one of yours. I see you with Jasmine and even Charlie and I know you are a wonderful mother. I could have loved your baby.”  
  
Lila sniffed. “It’s so easy to say that now – now that they are gone.” He reached for her hand again but she pulled away. “And now that they’re never coming back. My poor baby…”  
  
“I’m so sorry, Lila. If I hadn’t argued with you … The baby would be here. This is entirely my fault. I am never going to forgive myself for it. I don’t blame you if you don’t either.”  
  
“Cass, I don’t know what you want me to say…”  
  
“That makes two of us,” Cass admitted. He reached out and touched her cheek as more tears worked down her alabaster skin. “I think we can both agree this is a nightmare.”  
  
“I wish it was, Cass. I wish it was all a bad dream. I wish that my baby was still here and that you had been their daddy. Cause that’s what I wanted more than anything. But I would have been happy just to have my baby. I loved them no matter how they came to be.”  
  
“I know. I can’t forgive myself for costing you your child.”  
  
“I want to be mad at you, Cass. Hell I should be spitting bullets at you right now but I just don’t want to fight anymore. We see how bad things happen when we do.”  
  
Cass cringed but then he nodded. “You’re right.”  
  
“We can face everything that went wrong in the morning. You can go back to hating the very sight of me. Just for tonight… Cass, hold me. Please hold me.”  
  
“Lila, I –“  
  
“Cass, please. Just for tonight, hold me and don’t let me go.”  
  
Cass finally nodded and Lila pulled back the covers. Cass climbed slowly, carefully, into the bed, and wrapped his arms gently around her. They fell asleep that way.  
  
\---  
  
 **O - Open**  
  
Lila opened her eyes and looked at Cass still asleep beside her. She couldn’t resist reaching out and touching one of his dark curls that hung low over his left eyebrow. She smoothed it back and whispered, “I still love you, Cass.”  
  
Little did Lila know that Cass had awakened some time ago and had heard exactly what she said. He sighed inside of himself. He loved Lila so much but could he ever forgive her for cheating on him? Could he ever forgive _himself_ for causing her miscarriage?  
  
He slowly feigned stirring and peeled open his eyes, turning them on her. “Morning,” he said for it wasn’t exactly a “good” morning considering all that had gone down the night before.  
  
“Mornin’, Cass,” Lila said. “Thanks for what you did.”  
  
“I didn’t do anything.”  
  
“Yes, yes, you did. You put aside your anger for the night just to make me feel better. I will never forget that kind gesture as long as I live.”  
  
Before Cass could say anything in response, the door was banging back on its hinges and Matthew stood there. He rolled his eyes at Cass and focused on Lila. “Are you okay? I tried to come in earlier but John blocked me at every turn. I see you weren’t alone anyway.”  
  
“I needed Cass,” Lila said simply.  
  
“I lost a baby too, Lila! We should be grieving together. Instead you choose to spend the night cuddling with the man who cost us our child.”  
  
Cass sighed. “I understand you’re angry, Matthew, but that doesn’t give you a right to just charge in here, throwing heated words like that around. Lila’s recovering …”  
  
“No thanks to you, Cass! You left Lila when she needed you and you cost her and me our child. So if anyone shouldn’t be here it’s you!”  
  
“Matt –“ Lila started but he held up a hand.  
  
“No, Lila, I want you to choose between us. Right here, right now. Will it be me – the man who has stood by you – or the man who walked out on you the first chance he got?”  
  
“This isn’t the time, Matthew,” Lila fairly spat. But when she didn’t answer whether she wanted Cass or her lover, Cass decided it was time to go before he had to hear the worst.  
  
“I think you two need to talk,” Cass said and climbed out of the bed. He looked back at Lila sadly. “Take care.”  
  
“Cass!” Lila called after him. “Cass, please don’t go.”  
  
But he couldn’t make himself turn around. He was a coward and he knew it.


	4. Chapter 4

**P - Pressure**  
  
Lila glared at Matthew. “Dammit, Matthew Cory,” she snapped. “How could you?!”  
  
“What did I do? Cass left. That was his choice. As always, he walks out on you. So I think we both know now who really has your best wishes at heart and it isn’t him. Cass only deals with you when you do exactly what he wants you to. So pick me, Lila. Right here and now or I’m leaving.”  
  
“You can quit pressurin’ me anytime, Matthew,” Lila bit out. “Besides, I know who I want. Who I have always wanted and that is my husband.”  
  
“You can’t be serious!”  
  
“I am dead serious,” Lila said. “You go on and on about how you are so accepting of me but the first chance you get after our baby dies, you start throwing around ultimatums and demands like a spoilt little boy. It wasn’t even Cass’s baby and he held me and grieved with me.”  
  
“I would have done the same thing. I just wasn’t given the chance, remember?”  
  
She shook her head. “You came in here and the first thing you did was hassle Cass. You didn’t even ask how I was coping with losing our baby…” She sighed and splayed her hands. “Matthew, you’ve been good to me but what we did, what we were, is over. It never should have even begun again in the first place. Even if Cass never forgives me, I am not going back to you. Because the truth is that while I care about you as our childrens’ father, it’s always going to be Cass for me. Always and forever. I am never going to apologize for loving my man so don’t even ask me to…”  
  
“You used me!”  
  
“Yes I did,” Lila admitted. “I wanted to hurt Cass for hanging around Anne and guess what – I have. I broke him and now he blames himself for me losing the baby –“  
  
“If he hadn’t argued with you, Lila, you wouldn’t be here.”  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
“Are you going to make excuses for him, Lila? Maybe you never wanted this baby after all. Maybe you’re glad he or she is gone!”  
  
Lila shook her head. “You should be glad I’m in this hospital bed right now because if I wasn’t I would beat the hell out of you for that remark. I wanted this baby a helluva lot. If you don’t know that you don’t know anything about me!”  
  
Matthew sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”  
  
“Whatever. Just go. I need to be alone right now.”  
  
“Lila –“  
  
“I made my choice, Matthew. Accept it. I am not leaning on you or anyone else anymore to make me feel good about myself. Now goodbye!"  
  
\---  
  
 **Q – Queen**  
  
Lila sat in her hospital room the next day, chomping at the bit to get out of there, when Charlie and Jasmine came hurtling into the room, followed by Josie. The little girls immediately tumbled onto Lila and Josie called out, "Careful, girls, be gentle.”  
  
Lila just hugged her step-daughter and her daughter tightly to her. She needed them right now; she needed them so much. A little physical pain was nothing compared to the salve they might offer her shattered heart.  
  
She peppered the girls with kisses and they giggled uproarisly. “I’ve missed you two,” Lila said. “You girls look like you’ve grown so much over night. I’m so happy to see you.”  
  
“They’re happy too,” Josie put in helpfully. “All they could talk about on the car ride over was seeing you.”  
  
Lila nodded and snuggled the girls to her. “How’s Cass? Have you talked to him?” She asked, disappointed that he’d sent a messenger to deliver the girls instead of coming himself.  
  
“A bit,” Josie said. “I think he’s just, you know … busy.”  
  
“Uh huh,” Lila said. She felt like crying but shoved the feeling down as best as she could. She would not upset the girls for anything.  
  
“Lila,” Charlie asked in her delightfully childish way, “are you still my Daddy’s Queen?”  
  
“What do you mean, hun?”  
  
“I mean remember when you married my dad; you looked just like a Disney Queen…”  
  
“I did, didn’t I?” Lila said with a watery smile remembering that day – the day she pledged to love and honor Cass forever. Boy, had she screwed up the latter part though she still longed for and loved her husband beyond reason.  
  
Charlie nodded eagerly. “So are you?”  
  
“Still your Daddy’s Queen, you mean? I sure hope so,” Lila said softly.  
  
“Are you going to ‘vorce?” Charlie asked. She was ten years old now but Lila knew with her condition, she would always be perfectly innocent and sweet and ask questions like this with no guile or pretense.  
  
“Well…”  
  
“Sadie at my school …Her parents are ‘vorced,” Charlie went on.  
  
Josie shifted from foot to foot. “Girls, maybe we should let Lila get some sleep.”  
  
“Its fine and it is a fair question,” Lila interrupted. She looked at Charlie. “I very much hope not, Charlotte. I want to be your Daddy’s Queen forever.”  
  
“I miss you being with Daddy and us,” Charlie whispered and she hugged Lila tightly. Little Jasmine just looked between them curiously, as if not quite sure what was going on. How could she understand all of this though at her tender age when Lila didn’t understand any of it herself.  
  
“I miss that too, gorgeous,” Lila said. She sighed. Boy, did she ever miss those happy times with Cass and their kids. How could she have callously thrown them all away?  
  
Josie looked at them all sympathetically. “I’m sorry, Lila, for your loss. I know what that feels like.”  
  
Lila nodded. She didn’t want to be pitied. The truth was, she felt sorry enough already.

\---

**R – Rain**  
  
Lila stood at the window, watching the rain coming down in sheets. Her hands pressed to the glass as did her forehead and she let the coolness seep into her. If she was cold; she could become distant and removed from everything. She could stop feeling so damned much. She could stop missing Cass…  
  
She stayed at the window for a long time, thinking about how Cass hadn’t bothered to call her or come check on her since she left the hospital two days ago. Did he really hate her so much that he couldn’t spare a moment for her; that he would sentence her to dealing with this endless pain and regret all alone?  
  
 _No, Lila,_ she told herself firmly, holding back the tears that threatened. _You don’t need to care anymore. You don’t. You hurt Cass and he abandoned you. It’s over, and you’re done caring. And don’t forget it!_  
  
She squared her shoulders and finally forced herself away from the window. She walked down the hall to Jasmine’s room and watched her little girl sleeping, her dark hair fanned out on the pink princess pillow. Then her eyes moved to a little teddy bear that sat on the oak dresser – a teddy bear that Lila had bought intending to tuck it into the crib each night with her new baby. A new baby that was never coming now.  
  
The thought almost brought her to her knees and she desperately grasped her empty belly. _Be cold, Lila, dammit, just stop caring!_ She commanded herself to no avail.  
  
Tears coursed down her cheeks as she ripped the plush animal off the dresser and stomped down the hall. She spotted scissors sitting on her desk and grabbed for them, beginning to stab the plush violently until thick puffs of white stuffing littered the rose-colored carpet.  
  
She then sunk down to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. “I want my baby,” she cried. “I want my baby.”  
  
She must have sat there for hours, or so it seemed, lost in tears that just wouldn’t quit. When she finally looked up, through watery eyes, she glimpsed a tall figure approaching. She blinked rapidly and none other than Cass came into focus.  
  
“Cass,” she whispered. “What are you doing here?” _Come on! You’re made of steel, Lila,_ she thought. _Get up off this floor and don’t let Cass see you acting this way. Don’t let him see how broken and pathetic you are._  
  
But in the end, she couldn’t find the strength to pull herself up. Cass sunk down beside her on the floor and held his arms out to her. “I miss my baby!” She sobbed. “I miss them, Cass. I don’t care how they came to be; I just … I just want them to be here with me.”  
  
“I know, I know,” Cass said hoarsely. She dropped her head onto his shoulder and he held her tightly while she shook with sobs that nearly rent her body.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a character from The Bold and the Beautiful (Taylor) in this chapter. Happy reading!

**S – Sorrowful**  
  
At some point, Lila’s tears finally subsided and she fell to sleep in Cass’s strong arms. She didn’t dream and when she awoke, she was glad for it. Her dreams had all too often lately been nightmares – nightmares about the baby she would never get to see, or hold, or nurse, or watch take their first steps. Nightmares too, about having to endure a lifetime alone, a lifetime that didn’t include her beautiful Cass and Charlie…  
  
She turned to look up at Cass as her eyelashes fluttered open. They were still sitting on the floor. She could feel the comforting warmth of his body nestled to hers.  
  
“Hey,” she said quietly.  
  
“Hello there,” he replied. “Do you feel any better? I know that’s an entirely idiotic question given the circumstances, but-“  
  
Lila held up a hand to stop him. “I do feel a bit better. Because you see, anytime I’m with you, I feel safe and secure. I feel… loved.”  
  
“Li-“  
  
“Cass, answer one question for me - _please._ Do you still love me? Is there any part of you that still cares for me?”  
  
Cass looked down at his lap. “You know the answer to that, or you should know.”  
  
“Can’t you say it?”  
  
“I love you, Lila. I think I have since the moment we first met.”  
  
“Oh, Cass,” she said, her throat tightening anew. Her hand found his stubbly cheek. He was growing a beard, perhaps unintentionally, since she very much doubted that he was taking care of himself adequately.  
  
Cass grasped her hand and tugged her fingers away from her cheek. Her heart sunk down to her toes. “You love me but you can’t forgive me,” she said. “Is that what you mean?”  
  
“Lila-“  
  
“No, Cass, I get it. You can never find it in your heart to forgive me for sneaking around and betraying you with Matthew, can you? I can't say as I blame you either...”  
  
“It’s not that…”  
  
“Then what the hell is it?” Lila asked, genuinely perplexed. She started to reach for him again but he shrugged away. “Cass, talk to me dammit!”  
  
“It’s not you, Lila, it’s me.”  
  
“Oh I believe I have heard that line before…”  
  
His eyes darkened and he looked so miserable; just as miserable as she felt. “It’s the truth, Lila. I can forgive you but I can never, _ever_ forgive myself,” he said sorrowfully.  
  
She stared at him in surprise. “You didn’t… You didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who ran around with another man and decimated our happy marriage.”  
  
“And you created a child with that man, Lila. A child that is gone now... Gone because of me.” He dropped his head into his hands. She touched his shoulders.  
  
“How can you even say something like that?”  
  
“Because it’s the truth. I continually pushed you away because my ego was bruised… Then the day you came to see me at my office, I was hateful to you and I was dismissive. You got upset – rightfully so – and that’s when the cramps hit. Don’t you see? I’m the reason your baby is no more.”  
  
“Cass Winthrop, you look at me,” Lila demanded. She grabbed his face tightly in her hands, forcing him to look at her, to really see her. “This isn’t your fault. None of it. You need to completely let go of the foolish notion that my child is gone because of you. As much as I hate that I’ll never get to know them, that I’ll never get to see them grow up, I don’t blame you for any of it. In fact, you’re the only thing that is keeping me going right now. You save me every time. You lift me up when I sink down... I need you to believe what I’m telling you. I need you period, Cass. And looking at you now, I think you need me too.”  
  
Cass stared at her. His voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I do need you, Lila. So much. I still love you. After Frankie was murdered… I never thought I could love anyone that way again, but I do… I just never want to be the reason you’re sad.”  
  
“I am going to be sad, Cass. I lost a baby but I will never be able to heal, Cass, if you don’t come home to me. That's what I really need now – the love and kindness you’ve always shown me, even when I didn’t deserve it. So we hit a really rough patch, yes, but the only way we’re coming back from it is if we work _together_. So I am asking you, Cass, to give me – to give _us_ – another chance. What do you say? Can you give us both that? Can you forgive yourself too for something you had absolutely no control over?”

\--

**T – Time**  
  
Cass looked at Lila earnestly, gingerly reaching out to wipe away the tears that streaked down her pretty face. “I love you,” he whispered hoarsely. “I love you so damn much. I want you back. I want back what we had, with every fiber of my being, actually; but I also know that we shouldn’t – that we _can’t_ \- rush things.” He saw her flinch and quickly added, “It’s not a bad thing, Lila; to take things slowly. We just need a little time to … I don’t know… Figure out everything, I suppose.”  
  
“I figured everything out, Cass; I already know what I want. _Us_ , back together where we belong. I don’t like this distance.”  
  
“I am not trying to punish you, I promise you that.”  
  
“I know.” She sighed. “I get it but well, can you at least try not to punish _yourself_ anymore for something that was completely beyond your control?”  
  
“I want to believe that it wasn’t my fault but I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.”  
  
“That’s because you think too much… Believe me when I say this, Cass. It wasn’t your fault my baby died… and I am not going to sit here and let you wallow in misplaced guilt over it. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s me for running out on you the way I did because I was a jealous, petty ninny. While I can never regret my baby, I do regret that I hurt you so deeply.”  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
“Really? You don’t seem so fine.”  
  
“I will be. I just want to figure out how we turned into two people who could hurt each other like we did.”  
  
Lila sighed. “I guess we’d better take our time then to figure things out – just like you said. But know this, Cass Winthrop; I am not giving up on you! The minute you said that you still loved me, I knew there was hope; I knew there was something left here to fight for. And we are going to fight- we’re going to fight like hell for our marriage and our family.”  
  
“You always were fierce, Lila. And so brave too... Some things don’t change.”  
  
She just smiled as he shifted on the carpet. “That said, I feel we need to get up off of this floor so I can clean up the remains of…whatever this was.”  
  
“Now, you’ll do no such thing. I am the one who destroyed it – it was a teddy bear, by the way - and everything else too, so –“  
  
“Stop it, Lila. You want me to forgive myself but what about you? Can’t you try to forgive yourself too?”  
  
Lila shrugged as her fingers knotted in a pile of white stuffing. “Like you said, if it can happen, it’s going to take some time. Maybe _a lot_ of time.”  
  
“Don’t give up now.”  
  
“I’m not. You gave me a reason today… a reason for _being._ I will keep moving forward somehow, someway,” she said determinedly. “I’ll make this right.”  
  
He watched her for a long moment with saying anything.  
  
“Lila?” He finally spoke.  
  
“Yes, Cass?”  
  
“Will you come to counseling with me?”  
  
“You want me to see a shrink?”  
  
“A _counselor,”_ Cass said. “They can help us figure out where to go from here; how to get back what we lost. I went into counseling for awhile after Frankie died.”  
  
“Did it help at all?”  
  
Cass nodded. “I think so. Without my doctor’s guidance, I never could have opened myself up to love anyone again. Love terrified me. All I knew was that it hurt like hell when it ended.”  
  
“I’m so sorry.”  
  
“I'll be fine as long as I know that you and I will get to have a different ending than Frankie and I did.”  
  
“I want that too, Cass. I want us to make it so yes! Yes, I will see a headshrinker with you. I’ll do anything to get us back on track.”

\--

**U – Understand**  
  
“What you have to understand,” Dr. Taylor Forrester said, “is that you two have changed since this all began. You're not the same people you were two months, or even two weeks, ago.”  
  
Lila shifted anxiously on the sofa. For the last month, she and Cass had been coming to this office, talking to a total stranger, trying to make her understand why their marriage had fallen apart when neither of them understood it themselves.  
  
“You lost sight of each other; even in a short span of time. That means you’ve changed – both of you have,” Dr. Forrester went on. “I want you to do something for me.”  
  
Cass looked at Lila warily and then back at the pretty doctor. “What?”  
  
“I want you to get to know each other all over again – starting from the beginning.”  
  
“What does that mean?”  
  
“I mean, I want you to meet all over again. I want you two to go somewhere mutually decided, 'happen' to bump into each other, and strike up a conversation as if you were strangers meeting for the first time.”  
  
Lila’s eyes bugged out. “What kind of advice-“  
  
“You have to trust me,” the psychiatrist said. “And you have to trust _yourselves._ So until you get to know each other all over again – the good, the bad, and the ugly; there will need to be some ground rules.”  
  
“What kind of rules?” Cass asked.  
  
“You will court each other but not kiss right away; certainly, there will be no having sex. No discussing what went wrong between you outside of here. It’s a fresh start, Mr. and Mrs. Winthrop. Are you going to use this opportunity appropriately? Not many people are offered a second chance, after all.”  
  
Lila tapped her foot. This doctor was insane! She had to be. Lila wanted Cass back _now._ That’s what she had thought would happen when they agreed to come in here - a fast, well-deserved reunion. Instead, they were spending $115 dollars a pop to get useless advice.  
  
“I don’t think-“ Lila started, at the same time Cass said, “I think that sounds like something we could do.”  
  
Lila’s mouth gaped. “Cass, are you serious? This all doesn’t sound a tad bit silly to you?”  
  
“Not too much,” Cass said. He stated to reach for her hand but Dr. Forrester shook her head.  
  
“No holding hands.”  
  
“What?” Lila demanded. “Why can’t we –“  
  
“Do you hold hands with strangers, Mrs. Winthrop, on a regular basis?” the doctor said pointedly.  
  
“Well, not exactly…”  
  
“Once you are outside this office, physical contact doesn’t happen for some time. You are strangers to each other, except where your kids are concerned, because they need to have some normalcy in their lives.”  
  
“What is normal?” Cass asked.  
  
“We have to figure that out,” Dr. Forrester said. “There is a new normal now.”  
  
 _We,_ Lila thought with a sniff. _She keeps saying ‘we’ but she isn’t the one suffering through this circus act._ She looked longingly at Cass. She wanted her man back; she wanted her _best friend_ back; she needed him so badly.  
  
“Alright,” Cass agreed, “I’ll do whatever it takes to get our marriage back on track.” He looked at Lila. “How about you?”  
  
Lila thought the whole “pretend to be strangers” bit was unnecessary but she had told Cass herself that she’d do anything to reunite them and she meant it. If he actually thought this would work…  
  
“I’ll try it,” Lila finally said. “I’ll try anything at this point.”  
  
Dr. Forrester smiled. “Okay, let’s arrange a time and place for you two to ‘bump’ into each other.”  
  
“Well we first met at –“ Lila started.  
  
“Actually we want to start you two out on fresh, untreaded ground.”  
  
“This town’s awful small,” Lila said, annoyance showing in her voice.  
  
“That’s a good point. Why don’t you make a day to head out to Springfield, and say, bump into each other coming out of a restaurant?”  
  
“A restaurant?”  
  
“Well, you do need to eat,” Dr. Forrester said with an annoying little smile.  
  
“Fine, fine.”  
  
“I have heard of this restaurant there – a place called Tao’s on Clifford Street,” Cass said. “We could try going there for some exotic cuisine. Tomorrow afternoon, at say five o’clock.” He looked at Lila. “What do you say, Lila?”  
  
“I say… Why not?”  
  
Even though Lila thought this whole thing was silly, she was committed to getting her family back at any cost. She would do anything to be Cass’s gal again…


	6. Chapter 6

**V – Vacation  
  
** The next evening, Lila found herself sitting into a booth at a little out of the way Vietnamese-slash-Japanese restaurant called Tao’s. A waitress dressed in a traditional red and black Kimono asked her if she would like to start the meal out with a glass of Sake. Lila just shook her head as she was too busy scanning the decent-sized crowd for Cass. He seemed to be nowhere to be found and it was already past five p.m. A whole fifteen minutes past five, actually.  
  
She all but shooed the waitress away, wanting a good view of the entrance. However, when five-twenty-five rolled around, she believed that Cass wasn’t coming. He had stood her up for their “bump-into-each-other-accidentally” _un_ date. Obviously, his heart really wasn’t in fixing their marriage. She had taken this damn vacation – for lack of a better word – for nothing.  
  
Tears filled her eyes. She climbed from the booth and hurried out the door. Not looking where she was going, moisture blurring her vision, she ran smack into someone.  
  
“Dammit,” she hissed. “Watch where –"  
  
“I’m truly sorry, M'am. I didn’t see you coming.”  
  
Her heart soared as she looked up and saw who stood there, his hands resting on her arms, bracing her so that she didn’t fall. She willed her body not to shake as she looked into Cass’s beautiful, hooded eyes.  
  
“It’s alright,” Lila said. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”  
  
“Me either actually. I was just in a hurry.”  
  
Lila smiled. “Oh, are you meeting someone?”  
  
“No, actually I’m not; I’m just incredibly famished. How’s the food here?”  
  
“I don’t know. I hadn’t ordered yet.”  
  
Cass smiled. “You know this is probably really forward but … Since you haven’t eaten and I haven’t either… Well, would you consider sharing a table with me?”  
  
“Well now,” Lila mused. Maybe they were breaking “the rules” here but she didn’t care. Still, she said, “Well, I’d have to know your name first, Sir. I don’t share a table with just anyone.”  
  
Cass’s eyes danced in a way she hadn’t seen in such a long time. He held out a hand to her and she grasped it. He gave her hand a firm shake. “My name is Cass, Cass Winthrop… And you are…”  
  
“Lila. Lila Win- _Hart,”_ she quickly amended. If she had to try and play along that they were strangers, she supposed that she’d better use her maiden name.  
  
“Nice to meet you, Lila.”  
  
“Nice to meet you too, Cass.”  
  
They reluctantly pulled apart from each other. “You know, I think I’d like to share a table with you. You seem like someone … I’d like to get to know.”  
  
“Likewise.” Cass opened the door for her. “Come on,” he beckoned. "Let's eat.”  
  
Lila’s heart went pitter-pat in her chest. She slipped inside, feeling the warmth of Cass near by. The moment they had “met”, she realized something very important: She had fallen in love her husband all over again! She could only hope that he felt that amazing chemistry and emotion firing between them as well.

\--

**W – Wonderful**  
  
“Well, that was a wonderful meal,” Lila said as she daintily wiped her mouth on a cloth napkin. She wasn’t ready for the night to end, not at all, but she knew it had to.  
  
“It was,” Cass agreed. “But I think I liked the company even better.”  
  
Lila smiled. “I liked that too,” she agreed, flushing with pleasure. She pushed the plate away from her and immediately the waitress appeared, putting the bill down on the table before them. Lila looked at the clock. It was going on nine P.M. Had she and Cass really chatted so amicably for _over_ three hours?  
  
“Looks like that’s our cue to leave,” Cass said. He suddenly looked the way she felt – melancholy. She knew that he didn’t want this special night to end anymore than she did. But what choice did they have? There were rules, right? Rules Lila would love to chuck into the harbor but she had agreed to play by them…  
  
“I guess so,” Lila said quietly. She forced herself to brighten. “It’s alright though. My stomach is full to the brim.”  
  
“Mine too,” Cass said. He opened his wallet and began to lay out bills – bills enough to cover her meal too.  
  
Lila quickly held up a hand. “I’ve got my half covered.” She dug around in her huge purse until she found her black leather wallet.  
  
“But I invited you to-“  
  
“Share a table,” Lila reminded him. “So we’ll share the check.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes.” She figured Dr. Forrester would be proud of her for that.  
  
They paid and headed out into the warm night. The stars hung low in the sky and Lila had the fanciful thought that she could reach up and touch them. She couldn’t resist lifting up her arms and attempting to swipe at one.  
  
Cass stared at her. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Trying to grab a hold of a star,” Lila said, “I want all my dreams to come true.”  
  
“What are your dreams, Lila?”  
  
Lila smiled at him. “Oh I don’t know… I guess … To have a good life, a _full_ life, surrounded by beautiful children and a wonderful man who I can see myself growing old with.” She watched him under her eyelashes. “I recently went through some things… That put everything into perspective. I’ll be honest. I messed up but a good thing … Well; I just hope there is such a thing as second chances.”  
  
Cass’s expression was soft and indulgent. “I believe there are … There _have_ to be…”  
  
Lila smiled, tears misting her eyes at the implication in Cass’s simple words.  
  
“Keep reaching for those stars, Lila Hart… I just know that one day… You’ll catch one.”  
  
Lila stared at him with a smile. She wanted so much to grab him and kiss him and hold him and never let go…But she told herself for once to resist her baser impulses. She needed to see this mission through.  
  
But the way Cass was looking at her … Did he want to kiss her as much as she wanted to be kissed? Oh god, these damned horrible rules!  
  
“You know, Lila,” Cass said, clearing his throat. “I have this rule… Where I don’t kiss on the first date but-"  
  
Lila’s heart hammered against her chest and her breath came out in a hoarse whisper. “But?”  
  
“But … Well, am I crazy to want to make an exception to that rule? Am I crazy for thinking you might _want_ me to make an exception?”  
  
Lila shook her head. “No and absolutely not.”  
  
He smiled and his eyes became dark and smoky. They leaned close to each other, looking at each other, really seeing each other. Then Cass’s warm lips were upon hers and they were kissing like their lives depended on it. Lila's hands snaked up to grasp his shoulders and she clung to him as he ravished her with kisses, raining them on her lips, face, and neck.  
  
When they pulled apart, they both were startled. “Well that - I shouldn’t have –“ Cass stuttered.  
  
“I am glad you did.”  
  
“But, Lila, the rules we made … Dr. Forrester-”  
  
Lila touched his cheek with her mittened hand. “Excuse my French, Cass, but screw Dr. Forrester and her dumb rules. She's not here. She’s not feeling what we’re feeling this moment. She’s not us. Besides, I don’t need someone telling me what to do. I just have to do what feels right and what feels right was kissing you that way. Say you agree… _Please.”_  
  
Cass nodded, a slow smile spreading across his handsome, craggy face. “I do agree. I wanted to kiss you all night, Lila.”  
  
“Kiss me again, Cass, please. That’s my fondest wish right now. Give me one of those stars from above.”  
  
Cass immediately kissed her again, so deeply her breath was wrenched from her lungs. She came up panting and leaning heavily on him, her hands touching his scruffy cheeks.  
  
“That was …” She said.  
  
“Great.”  
  
“Yes! I’ve wanted that for … What feels like such a long time,” Lila said.  
  
“Me too,” Cass admitted.  
  
“Kiss me again, Cass?” She asked.  
  
He dipped his head. “Don’t mind if I do.”  
  
 _Maybe they didn’t know what would happen next,_ Lila mused as his lips devoured her, _but maybe that was okay too._

_\--_

**X-Ray**  
  
Lila anxiously tapped her foot as she sat beside Cass on the sofa the next afternoon. While she was feeling oddly nervous, he looked as cool as a cucumber. She didn’t want Dr. Forrester of the Push-Up bra to go after them for how they had kissed and broken the dumb “rules” of her little experiment. Then Lila would have to go after Dr. Forrester in return, and well, it wouldn’t be pretty.  
  
Taylor’s eyes swept between Lila and Cass before settling back on Lila. “So you two broke the rules then?”  
  
Lila rolled her eyes. “The rules … Damn the rules!” she snapped. “This man beside me – I love him so much and as long as he wants to be kissed – I am damn well goin’ to kiss him whenever I want.”  
  
Taylor nodded and jotted something in her ever-present chart. Lila sighed and grabbed for Cass’s hand. “I am not ashamed of loving my husband and I don’t want to wait six months or however long this awkward game plays out to be with him again.” She looked at Cass, reaching out and thumbing his cheek. “Tell me, Cass, tell me now. Is there really a chance for us? Can we stop playing these games and just be together? I know I messed up so damn bad but I always have loved you; I always will. There was never anyone else in my heart but you; there never will be.”  
  
Cass looked at her. His voice was thick and hoarse. “Lila, baby-“  
  
Taylor interjected, of course. “You heard her wishes, Mr. Winthrop. Now it’s time to take an …emotional x-ray, if you will… and tell her what you want; what you need in return.”  
  
Cass pressed his cheek to Lila’s and his hands found the curls at the ends of dark hair, giving them a light tug. “All I want is Lila; all I need is Lila and our family back together. That’s all I’ve ever longed for. I can’t breathe when Lila's not with me; that’s the honest truth. If you’re ready, Lila, I want to come home; be your husband in every way a man can be.”  
  
“Of course I'm ready! That’s all I want too, Cass, oh yes it is!” Fat teardrops rolled down Lila’s cheeks as she pulled Cass first into a fierce hug and then a passionate lip lock. They might have kissed for hours or mere seconds but it felt amazing. They only came up for air when the damned psychiatrist cleared her throat loudly.  
  
They turned to look at Dr. Forrester. “What?” Lila asked. “Do you not approve?”  
  
“Actually,” Taylor said, splaying her hands, “I do approve. You passed my little ‘test’, shall we say, with flying colors.”  
  
“Wait – what about the rules?” Lila asked.  
  
Taylor shrugged and then smiled. “Rules are made to be broken.”  
  
Cass beamed. “But I thought-" Lila said. She shook her head and threaded her fingers with Cass’s. “Never mind. I will never understand you headshrinkers. All I know is that Cass wants me back; he wants to come home. I am beyond thrilled. I won’t let anything come between us ever again – anything at all.”  
  
Taylor nodded. “I believe you, Mrs. Winthrop.”  
  
Cass kissed the back of Lila’s wrist. “I believe that too.”  
  
Lila grinned as she looked at Taylor. “Are we done here?”  
  
“Yes,” Taylor replied. “Good luck, you two.”  
  
Lila nodded and gave Taylor a begrudging smile. “Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
Lila and Cass stood and hand-in-hand, they walked out of the doctor’s office together. _Together_ \- just the way they had always belonged.

\--

**Y – Yearning**  
  
Cass returned home, just as he said he would, much to the delight of Lila and their girls. Life resumed much as it had before although Cass and Lila were much more attentive to each other’s needs and wants now. Things were good – no, great; _wonderful,_ even – but there were times Cass would look at Lila when she didn’t know he was watching and he would see pain in her eyes; note the way her tiny pink fingers would find her flat belly. In those solitary moments, he knew she was thinking about her dead child – _yearning_ for them. Cass felt so helpless to assuage Lila’s pain. Especially when he still felt responsible for what had happened.  
  
As Lila’s due date – or what would have been her due date – approached, Cass noticed that she became unusually quiet at times, and seemed so far away. He puzzled over how to comfort her; how to reach out to her, but he felt useless. He didn’t know how to make her ache dissipate. When Frankie had died, the last thing he'd wanted was people trying to make him feel better when it seemed so impossible.  
  
In the end, he decided to just be there when she was ready to open up to him.  
  
One night, she woke up screaming, desperately clutching the blankets, the words _“My baby, my baby!”_ wrenching from her lips. Cass immediately flipped on the bedside light and looked at her. Tears streaked down her face and her eyes were wild.  
  
“I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to wake you,” she murmured when she had stopped thrashing about.  
  
"Don't apologize. I am worried about you, Lila.”  
  
“Cause of some nightmare?”  
  
“Cause it’s not just some nightmare, is it? It’s about your baby – the one you lost.”  
  
Lila nodded. “Yes… I keep dreaming about them and then tonight, I dreamt I actually got to hold them – it was a boy - and then Matt came and took my son away. Isn’t that insane?”  
  
“It’s not insane. You are hurting.”  
  
“I guess I am,” Lila said.  
  
“You want to talk about it?”  
  
“Not at three a.m. in the morning… I just want …”  
  
“What do you want, Lila?”  
  
“For you to hold me; for you to hold me so tight. Can you do that?”  
  
Cass smiled. “Try to stop me.” He held out his arms then and she crawled into them. He burrowed his lips in her silky, tussled hair. She pressed her slender body to his and rested her head against his chest.  
  
“This is all I need to start feeling better, Cass,” she whispered. “You and our girls give me a reason to keep moving forward. I need you... We’re always going to stay together, right?”  
  
“If you’ll have me.”  
  
“Oh, Cass, you silly man, of course I will. I love you so damned much.”  
  
“I love you too, Mrs. Winthrop. Always.”  
  
“For better or for worse?” Lila said softly.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“In sickness and in health?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“Till… till death do us part?” Lila sniffled.  
  
 _“Forever,_ Lila, forever,” Cass promised. “I mean that.”  
  
“Me too,” Lila said. She leaned up to press a soft, almost chaste kiss to his lips. He returned the kiss and then smiled gently at her.  
  
“Get some sleep, sweetheart. I will be here if you need me.”  
  
“I know you will be,” Lila said and snuggled to him. She was soon asleep in his arms. Cass stayed awake the whole night, just watching her.  
  
 _She had no more nightmares that night._  
  
XoXoXo  
  
 **Z – Zoo**  
  
“Oh look at those flamingos!” Charlie enthused as they stopped at the latest exhibit in the Bay City zoo. “They’re so pretty! Wait, what are they doing?”  
  
Lila squealed as one of the flamingos was clearly getting frisky with its mate. “Come along, girls!” she said though she could hardly contain her laughter.  
  
“But, Mom,” Jasmine whined, “I _like_ those birds.”  
  
“Well we can circle back here later and see them when they’re not … so busy,” Lila said with a snicker. “Now come on; Cass must be wondering where we ran off to.”  
  
The girls reluctantly trailed after Lila and they soon found Cass standing on line at a churro cart. He had on a baseball cap and was chatting animatedly with a little boy in the stroller in front of him. The boy was giggling and Lila couldn’t resist chuckling too. Cass was such a good man, and so good with kids too.  
  
Cass spotted his three girls and waved them over. He bought them all churros and then Charlie wanted to go see the reptile house. Jasmine was scared to go in, but Cass promised he would not let any harm come to her. Jasmine clung to her stepfather’s side for the longest time as he read the placards on each case and told her what sort of creature they were looking at. Lila was so busy looking at him that she didn’t notice anything else.  
  
The rest of the day passed perfectly uneventfully. The girls fell asleep in the back seat of the Lexus on the way home. Lila watched Cass from the passenger seat. “Have I ever told you how wonderful you are?” She asked.  
  
“A time or two, but I don’t object to hearing it again,” Cass said with a smile. He reached over and squeezed her kneecap. "What brought that on though?”  
  
“I just see the way you are with our girls, the way you are with all kids, and Cass … I know this sounds crazy but do you want to have a baby with me?”  
  
“Wait, why is that crazy?”  
  
“I don’t know. We just haven’t talked about it in a really long time…”  
  
“Do you want another baby?”  
  
“Yes,” Lila said. “It’s been almost a year since I lost my baby and I’m ready… Assuming you want that too.”  
  
Cass smiled. “I do.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
 _“Really.”_  
  
Lila grinned. “Want to start trying to make a baby tonight, after we get the girls tucked in for the night?”  
  
Cass nodded. “I want nothing in the world more.”  
  
Lila snuggled against him and kissed his cheek. “Me either … I love you, Cass Winthrop.”  
  
“I love you too, Lila Winthrop.”  
  
 **THE END**


End file.
